The Truth.

I am in no state to write fancy words. The first truth is that I do not have the vocabulary to sew words into some captivating, mind-charming strings. It's been 7 days since I returned back home under these dire circumstances. The situation still does not seem to improve even a bit. Days have become so contrasting, varying and fluctuating, that too on the stress scale. Happiness and smiles come rarely (fortunately they come), and last only momentarily. Maybe they come during some comedy scene in a movie or during a one-liner joke in a stand-up comedy, but not necessarily every time. Each passing day makes it more difficult to laugh, to stay positive. The early part of the week, we all were still trying to push ourselves hard to stay positive, even when papa stopped going to his office. I could never have imagined him not going to his business for these many days. Even when we had to go for vacations, be it for a day or two, it used to be so difficult for him to take an off. Now, I just know that it would be so daunting for him to not go to the office for the next few weeks, till the curfew prevails. The entire nation, infact the entire world right now is in lockdown. Those countries who have not imposed, would need to impose soon. People like me would be experiencing, hopefully, once in a lifetime experience. We are all facing the global pandemic of the novel corona virus - COVID 19.

I see statuses of people on whatsapp, my friends and acquaintances, what they're upto, in their respective homes at this time. Everyone seems to try different things to keep themselves motivated and busy. Out of the nearly 300 contacts, only a mere 10-20 post things they're doing. Ofcourse, not all the 300 would have saved my number, nor everyone would be a social media enthusiast but still I wonder are they facing the same worries as me, going through these very same emotions, these same lows. 

I completely agree to the statement of my mother and my best friend that I've become a big pessimist. I had this little hope amidst the uncertainty of returning back to our homes, that I'll overcome this pessimism in the quarantine period as I'll get the time to find back myself, to turn inwards once again and regain the zeal and energy that I was losing due to the stress of work at the campus. It even began happening when I came back. Day 1, Day 2 - the fears rose but only to settle down with my health getting better, both physically and mentally, I started feeling better. But alas! It was short-lived. Yesterday night I landed back to square 1. My mother being wary of me as she also felt low partially due to quarantine, partially due to my pessimism. 

I was not like this. I know that. People from my undergraduate years can testify this, how over optimistic I used to be. A friend used to get pissed off at times for my optimism even in the most difficult times. I don't know what changed, or maybe I know. I know but I feel too overwhelmed, too lazy (because I feel drained of my energy, of my will power) to mend the broken parts of me. I had brought work to do, assignments and projects to complete. I had thought I'll rekindle my hobbies, learn some new skills but here I am, spending each day sleeping, fearing the worse, and getting more into negative thought loops.

I have resumed writing this post after playing an outdoor game with my family. I am feeling somewhat better. Daily, I feel my symptoms of the disease to rise in the evening, hoping everytime they are just a result of my negative thoughts and anxiety and they do get better as well when I stop thinking about them. For the first time in my life, I experienced physical effects of anxiety. I'm not even sure if it was anxiety but what I experienced did match the symptoms of anxiety listed on the internet. It was the night before I had to catch the train for coming back home. I couldn't sleep. I felt extremely confused; I couldn't breathe properly. This difficulty in breathing triggered the panic loop as the thoughts of COVID 19 symptoms raced through my mind, all the what ifs that could go wrong, the biggest being the fear of death. Yes, I feared death. Indeed it is human nature but I had never felt this weak. I was always strong. I had always thought I don't care about death. I was always the most spiritual one amongst my friends but here I was lying all awake fearing what if I die. What if I couldn't reach my home, see my family. What would happen to my family? The pain they'd have to face made me worry most. With the help of my best friend I, what I felt then, survived, the dark night. Glad that I did.

I just wish no one else has to go through such panic. I know it's all in the mind. When the mind goes out of control, it is a feeling you don't desire. Being a biologist, I also know the chemicals also play a role. Once the uncontrollable loop begins, these chemicals keep fueling the fire. But only 'I' can put a stop to the fire or prevent it from getting rekindled. This is what I am trying to do and will keep doing until I succeed.

I know that even if I've been in the darkest times in my life, even if I had felt truly hopeless, I have faked hope (Not sure if this statement even makes any sense). I have been taught to be a fighter. Long time back, when I had decided to give up, my mother had shouted at me and said, "Don't you dare be a Kayar (Coward), to be human is to keep moving, keep working; that is the one and only purpose." Since that day, whatever much negative I become, the little ray of hope seeps in from somewhere every time. This time also, even if I am feeling 99% negative (although currently it's 75-80% I assume), the positivity inside me will bring me back. I'll stand once again, the depleted resource of will power will be replenished soon. The fake positive affirmations will soon become the real self-confidence. The day will not be far, when things will be restored back to normal, a new normal though. I hope we all will learn to live in harmony with mother nature, be more grateful to her. The sun will shine the way it does, but we'll once again feel its warmth the way we used to. Let me be grateful on my part and your part and every other human's part towards this beautiful nature which despite its deadly viruses has a lot more to offer to us than we ever can return. Amen!